Hi, Damir!! Probably the "congratulations" subject is not the best one for this e-mail, but I understand and I am sorry, never in my intention was to hurt you, i did cherish you and respected, well, Damir, you are my fiance, I love you, you know this, right? I know it has been forever since my last e-mail also I know that the frequency of our e-mails has declined and ..well, this period of my life hasn't been the easiest one, and what is more scary it is just the top of the iceberg, I mean it is just the begining, you probbaly know me by now, I am not the person who would always blame everyone and life itself, and complain like why all of this is happening to me, but even I do have this question in my mind, and if everything happening is hapenning to the better, I definetely can't understand how it could turn out into something good, as I am hurt and I am depressed and I am almost in despair, yes, my dad lost his job, yes we had lots of troubles, but the worst is that my health problems returned, and I have spent all this time in the hospital, doctors told me that when it happens for the first time the probability of my nerves to fully function again without any problems is 50%, now when it gets back, I hardly get 20%, i can hardly feel my face, I cannot smile and i cannot even open my eye, in the agony of hysterics I broke all the mirrows I had at home, as I cannot stand the way I look and the chance of me being this way till the rest of my life...Well, I didn't write you, not because I didn't want to or didn't have time, actually now I have more time then I would want to, since I cannot continue neither with my work nor with my studies, i was trying to pass some exams but when my friend and classmate bursted into tears crying when she saw me and othesr were pointing fingers at me, that was more than I could handle., maybe I was strong, but for now I am tired and..Well, I didn't write you cause I wanted to know where do we go from here, I needed time to understand the situation, accept and take the decision, I cannot have a vacation right now, I cannot see you now, and more than that I cannot make you bear an ugly wife till the rest of your life, I know what you would say, that you love me no matter what, you love me not for my outter beauty, and believe me I know this, Damir, I could feel it for all the time we were together, you were the most special, the kindest, the most caring, the most wonderful fiance I could dream of, yes, you care for me and my family, you were always there when we were in need, and in my dreams I was painting our future together but...now, everything has changed, I am not sure why it is happening the way it is, why I have to go throuhg this- maybe it is destiny, maybe challenge, I don't know, but I have to handle it somehow, and since there is a big chance for me to stay the way I am right now for all of my life..Well, i hope you understand, it is the hardest decision I had to take in my life, but I did take it, and something inside me says it is right, I am wearing big sunglasses and a hat all the time, so noone would see me like this, I don't have any desire to leave my house, or it would be better for me to stay behind the closed door of the hospital room forever...I know I will find strength in myself to accept this and move on, trying to find other things in life, but for now all of my dreams are ruined and..I know and realise how it affects your life, Damir, and it hurts me the most, we shared so much together, our dreams, our hopes, and we were a real couple, I am so blessed to know you, to have you in my life, and I am so proud for having been your fiance, you were...it breaks my heart, but I know you will be happy, you will be the happiest person in this life, you deserve this. I am not sure when I would write, please, try not to be mad at me, the world, God and life as I am right now, and please, promise me to be happy nastya
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